An Epic of Time Wasted
by Damned Lolita
Summary: Every pokemon trainer shuts the game off. But what do your pokemon do when you're gone? When they're free? Hopefully not things like this... Involves Team Rocket, pointless filler, Fergalicious, and all sorts of other stuff.
1. Dr Sexy!

(This is just a humor fic, to be updated whenever I get bored, and wanna brag about my pokemon. I love them. XD And Hiromi gets the first chapter all to himself! BTW, this chapter is Merope's POV, my Absol. Expect different POVs if I continue. Don't own this or Criminal Minds.

Oh, and ignore the 'Gayquaza' jokes. Don't think I mean them offensively, since I'm queer myself. But Gayquaza was too tempting to resist.)

* * *

Your rival was right. Jun what's-his-ass. That dude with the green scarf and the fucked-up hair.

There's no end to pokemon, you know.

Oh, sure, you shut the game off, go do something else for awhile, maybe go do your homework. (_Ari, this needs to be you, right NOW.—Szeren, your ever-doting mother.)_

But did you really think we floated around in the blackness of game-off-tasticalness, just waiting for you?

Psh. Fat chance. We have lives.

So, this story itself begins with Ari calling us out of our pokeballs. "Gotta go to school, guys." She apologizes. "See you in six hours, okay?" She pats her new Manaphy on the head.

"Bye, Pfiki." She phases out, fading to black. This is all rather new to Pfiki, and she bursts into tears. _"Why doesn't she love me?!" _The Sea Princess wails. Mikhail the Mightyena rolled his eyes.

"_She has to go to school, stupid. In case you haven't noticed, she ditched us too. She does this a lot." _Pfiki sniveled, but nodded. Mikhail puffed his chest out, growling proudly. "_All hail my 1337 parenting skills." _Hiromi the Rayquaza rolled his eyes.

Ari had saved by the sea in Sunyshore, and we sat in the sand, enjoying ourselves. Caetalus, her male Nidoran, however, broke the silence with one of the most awkward questions we'd ever heard. (And we'd heard Ari have to answer a question as to just _what _those pokemon of hers were doing at the Daycare...) (1)

"_Hiromi, how come you're gay?" _The Great Green Gay Dragon, aka, Gayquaza, aka the Sky King, AKA The Jolly Green Giant (2), raised his wide head.

"_...Pardon?" _He asked, almost unsure as to whether Caetalus just said that. The Nido continued. Flicking his shiny blue ears, he nodded, more to himself than anything else.

"_Yeah. I thought Ari already tried to get two dudes to breed. Remember the whole Lucario thing?" (3) _Hiromi snorted. Ari had attempted to turn her two Lucario, Lu-rio and Ocerus gay, since she was a Ditto-freedom activist, and did not have a female Lucario.

It didn't work.

Hiromi nodded. "_True, but I can't breed anyway, gay or straight. Besides, people don't choose whether or not they're gay or what. They just are." _Caetalus nodded.

"_And," _Scourge the Absol continued, flicking his crimson scythe, "_Some are whores for both sexes. Like Ari." _He snorted in laughter, along with everyone but Pfiki, who was too young to get it.

Probably a good thing.

I shook my head, and settled down to sleep, steadfastly ignoring them as hard as I could.

"_Anyway, since you were named after a girl, that might have something to do with it." _Brutus the Luxray piped up. The electric lion snorted in laughter at the look on the dragon's face.

"_You're not serious. First RAY. Then THIS!" _Hiromi roared.

Oh, Ari was a good kid, a lovely kid. Great trainer, accepting, and loving. But she was a little kid back then. And sometimes, she could be a bit thickheaded...

* * *

_-Flashback, 3__rd__ Person-_

"_Three whole days, but I made it!" The girl cheered, brown hair falling down in front of her eyes. The Absol by her side rolled her eyes in exasperation. They were at the top of Sky Pillar, ready for Rayquaza. After falling through the floors so much, suffering bruises and a few sprained ankles, they had made it. _

"_You do understand he's probably going to kill us." Merope the Absol remarked. The eight-year-old Champion shrugged. "And Steven offered to come with us. Didn't you want to go with Steven?" She offered in a last-ditch attempt to make her trainer sensible. _

_She shook her head, and laughed. "I can handle it. Besides, Steven's fatty Metagross would get in my way." She laughed again, picturing the giant fat steel beast falling through the Sky Pillar._

_The weather stopped._

_There was no sunlight, no rain. No clouds in the sky, no ocean below them. _

_Rayquaza, the Great Sky King had arrived. _

_He roared his challenge at the girl, who merely waved. "Hi, Ray!" The great dragon stopped. "Ray." He gaped. Ari wasted no time ordering a Ice Beam from Merope._

_Three days of intense battle later, she prayed to Mew, and threw her last Ultra Ball._

_It shook once, twice, three times..._

_  
And it dinged. _

_Ari cheered, and did a "Victory Dance!" around Sky Pillar. Her pokemon just stared, as she typed in the nickname RAY, and sent him to the PC. _

_Her pokemon stared in horror. "He's gonna curse us with a POX." Lin the Swellow gaped. "Our next seven generations are SO SCREWED." Merope hissed._

_She hadn't gotten him in awhile. She hadn't fought with him for about a week. And he was BORED. But she came with delightful news. "We're going to Sinnoh. And I'm changing your name, RAY." He roared in ecstasy. _

"_PRAISE THE DASHBOARD JESUS!" He wailed. The now-thirteen Ari laughed. "Sorry about that, I know." Ari took him to the Name Rater, where she thought for a long, long time._

"_Um... how about..." In an instant, a name came to her. "Hiromi!" She cheered. The Rayquaza was thrilled, as Ari saved, shut the game off, and took him to Sinnoh._

_-End Flashback-_

* * *

Mikhail shook his head in mirth. "_RAY. Fucking RAY." _Hiromi swiveled his head to glare at the Lone Wolf pokemon. "_Ahem. SCOOBY."(4) _Mikhail stared at him, before fainting dead away on the sand. Jay, his mate, sniggered. Adora and Nightfang giggled as well, laughing at their father's misery.

"_In his defense," _I piped up, "_She did name him Mikhail when she turned eleven." _This roused Mikhail, who in turn growled, "_Yeah! You got a girl's name; I got named after some Russian dude involved in a WAR. And you got named RAY too, so shut up." _

"_Well..." _Vita offered, in a rare moment of sobriety. "_She was seven... or eight... or maybe nine, I don't remember... but still." _Hiromi flicked his tail. "_Your name was Vita! She was THREE!" _Vita shrugged.

"_Feh. I blame the Latin prayer book she got from her mother. Seriously, who the fuck gives their kid a Latin bible?! She could barely fucking read ENGLISH!" (5) _The Mew roared.

Hiromi sighed. "_Anyway, I don't think that's true. Brutus enjoys screwing with my head." _Brutus rolled his eyes. He hated to break it to him... actually, no he didn't. Buggery Green Worm.

He padded over to Ari's Pack, the one she left in Sinnoh, filled with Berries for them to eat if she ever got grounded. He grabbed a comic in his teeth, and pushed it over to Hiromi.

"_Shojo Explosion, No.1" _Hiromi read. He flipped a few pages with his giant claws.

"_Hiromi swooned into Reginald's arms. "Oh, Reggie," She purred. "At last, we are together! Your evil twin brother has been destroyed, and now we are free to marry! Shall it be a spring wedding?!" Reginald nodded. "Of course, my darling Hiromi. And you will look so ravishing in that green dress of yours..." _

The Rayquaza had had enough. "_**I HATE THIS PLANET!" **_He roared in emo-agony, throwing the book out to sea. Sighing, Vita went to fetch it, knowing of Ari's secret pleasure for crappy shojo, especially that involving slash.

Jay rolled her eyes. "_Cheer up, 'Ro. At least Kira's Rayquaza's gay, too. And, you know, your boyfriend. See, someone loves you, emo kid!" _She tried to cheer up Hiromi, but was too busy being emo-licious.

Emo-licious tastes like strawberry ice-cream, but not for Hiromi. He even had his own little raincloud, straight from Kyogre. The rain was Sue-Tears.

They sat there and ignored him for a bit. Emo was no fun to laugh at, after awhile. "_Hey, didn't mom say something about Criminal Minds being on tonight?" _Mikhail said, knowing of Hiromi's fetish for the show. Namely, Spencer Reid. He could care less about the plot.

"_W00T! DOCTOR SEXY!" (6) _He cheered up. "_It's a shame HE'S human..." _The dragon shook his head. "_Yet another of the world's mysteries." _And with that, he gave one more fangirl squeal for Dr. Sexy, aka Spencer Reid.

Mikhail looked at Soren. "_Do you ever think we should tell her about this stuff? You know, Kiddo?" _Soren shrugged, and the Empoleon snorted before replying, "_I have a bad feeling she already knows." _

Now, since both Hiromi and Ari had an obsession with Criminal Minds, the gang was pretty sick of hearing about 'Dr.Sexy', and the other members of whatever the fuck the BAU was.

So Awkward Munchlax decided to change the subject the only way he knew how;

"_Hey, does anyone want a Poffin?" _Loa the Munchlax offered. He was the only one who dared eat Ari's 'Secret Recipe' that she CLAIMED to have stolen from Harley, but he could make good food, and those Secret fucking Poffins SUCKED.

She was a good cook, but only if she had a recipe, and didn't just throw in fifty Poffins when she thought no one was looking.

"_No, you lummox. Let me sit here and enjoy myself, hah?" _Pomega the Hippopotas growled at him. He sighed, and munched happily on the Poffins, both 'Secret' and otherwise.

"_Do you think I'm fat?" _Hiromi randomly asked. We all stared at him. "_Dude."_ I said, gaping. "_You're a RAYQUAZA. Does it MATTER?" _He shrugged.

"_I dunno, Merope. But I always felt like such a fatty. I mean, my Pokedex entry says that I'm like, a thousand pounds. That's a lot." _I stared at him.

"_Blonde." _I grumbled. He roared something angry at me, and settled into the sand to sleep. And all was silent. My fur was warm and wonderful, and it was only another hour before Ari came back...

"_Gayquaza." _Caetalus sniggered. Hiromi looked up, and opened his mouth. The resulting Dragon Pulse sent Caetalus flying a good fifty feet across the beach.

"_Gives me an idea." _Soren remarked. "_Bloom! Seraphia!" _He yelled. The Shaymin looked wearily at him. He grinned. "_Feel like some volleyball?" _

A good ten minutes later, they had a grand old time playing volleyball with their new fuzzy green balls of flowers.

Which just goes to show you; when bored, we pokemon will resort to anything to keep themselves happy without their Dr. Sexy fix. Hiromi, we are looking at YOU. Ari, you addict enabler.

* * *

(Okay, notes! A lot of notes. I know. 1: Yeah... um... well, they obviously have SOMETHING going on. I mean, trust me on this. Should that little kid be watching? Thank you, YouTube videos... I never noticed that before...

2: Yeah, he is. His nature originally was Jolly. I don't know why, as he never acted like Santa... As most of my Legendaries, all but Ichigo and Jet. I dunno WHY they were all Jolly-Natured. Maybe from getting drunk? –looks at Vita—

3: I did try this. I thought my Lucario might be gay, but NOOO, straight as an arrow... goddamnit. Hiromi's gay, but can't breed. It SUCKS.

4: I was a little kid! I had an obsession with Scooby-Doo, (the vintage stuff, from the 90's), and he reminded me of a Great Dane. But then I got to thinking it didn't suit the arrogant bastard. XD That Russian man, Mikhail Something-or-other from the Cold War, I heard his name and thought it was pretty.

5: She did get me one. –rolls eyes— And Vita did come from the book. It's Latin for 'Life', which I guess is appropriate. For all I knew, it could've meant 'Shit', but I just liked the way it sounded.

6: -laughs- You know that dude from _Grey's Anatomy, _which I hate, but still? Dr. McDreamy, according to the crappy entertainment magazines? Yeah, I decided Spencer Reid needed a name like that. Therefore, Dr. Sexy, since everything else catchy was taken. –laughs-)


	2. Hiromi goes to Fat Camp

(I am back with my pokemon! Hiromi's gone to FAAAATT CAAAAAMPPP! Ha, loser! SUFFAH! P-A-I-N, MISTAH PAIN! WHEE!

Ahem.

I am hyper. So? I don't have a stable personality; anyone who knows me at all should be convinced of that already. Right, so, more randomness and stupidity. Ash dies. YAY! Don't own.)

* * *

We, The Team of Kiddo, have reached a conseus. 

We are sending Hiromi to Fat Camp.

Well, he wouldn't stop bitching and complaining about his weight. He stole cigarettes Ari had, only to realize they were candy, making him thus fatter; he had gotten addicted to Slim-Fast and Red Bull, and while he had lost twenty pounds, his stomach was bloated.

He had tried prescription medication, but it was really M&M's Ari had painted pink, since she was not having her Rayquaza on Orlistat.

"_I can't believe you're actually going through with this." _Jetstream told his cousin. Hiromi shrugged. He sighed, muttered, 'no one understands the fatty', and flew out.

Ari sighed, saluted her Rayquaza, and shut the game off, snickering. "_Thanks for LEAVING US HERE WITH HIM, YOU FAT BIT-" _Mikhail would've said more, but Jay smacked him over the head. He grumbled, and sat down.

"_Whipped." _Adeshi the Salamence called. Mikhail roared angrily at him, but Hiromi yelled, "_HEY! THIS IS MY GOING AWAY PARTY! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" _Brutus snorted.

"_Okay, let's sing THE FAT SONG!" _Hiromi's eye twitched, and he flew angrily at the Luxray, but was interrupted by the beep of a bus horn. He raised his head.

"_They're here! Bye, guys!" _He flew off into the bus. The doors shut, sounding almost like the sound of a coroner's body drawer closing. Bad juju...

"_Bye, Hiromi! Have fun at Happy Skinny Anorexic Bitches Fat Camp!" _Chuchu waved, his golden fur and curly Rattata tail whisking around eagerly in the breeze.

Jet looked over Chuchu's shoulder at the flyer. "_Chuchu... I thought you couldn't read?" _Chuchu nodded. "_I can't! Ari hasn't taught me yet!" _Jetstream looked up, horrified, in the direction Hiromi had taken.

"_So where the HELL did we just send him?" _

Alas, Hiromi was off to Happy Skinny Anorexic Bitches Fat Camp, but it wasn't as wonderful as it sounded. No, it was even worse than that.

A Persian sitting next to Hiromi blew a cigarette smoke ring in his direction. "_Hey. My name's, like, Gretchen. Who're you?" _Hiromi purred.

"_I'm Hiromi, and I'm FAT!" _Gretchen swept an eye over the bus. "_Yeah, you and everyone else here. So, like, do you make yourself throw up, or starve?" _Hiromi blinked.

"_No... I drank Red Bull, and ate my mom's Poffins. Those made me throw up. Does that count?" _He asked.

She winced. "_Eeeew, that is SO not cool. You have to, like, eat nothing but PAPER." _Hiromi shuddered.

"_Eeew, that's gross." _She looked down at his stomach. "_So is fat. Don't you, like, wanna be skinny?" _Hiromi nodded, and struck a pose.

"_Yes! FOR DOCTOR SEXY!" _He said boomingly, growing bigger, if that was even possible for the huge Sky Dragon.Gretchen purred. "_Good. We'll, like, make good friends." _Hiromi cheered happily.

So they sat on the bus, and drove to a secluded camp somewhere near the Sendoff Springs. Ignoring the "BEWARE: GIRATINA" signs, the Happy Campers drove forward, in the bus that shouldn't have existed in Sinnoh, but NO ONE seemed to care.

Maybe it was the water.

Whatever it was, the campers were dispatched to their rooms quickly. Hiromi, Gretchen, a shiny Buneary named Anna, and a shiny Pachirisu named Joanne were in his cabin as well.

The Rayquaza sighed. "_Am I the ONLY male here?" _He asked. Gretchen shrugged. "_Yes, they're all, like, in rehab for steroids." _Hiromi raised an eyebrow.

"_May I say I am the only one who finds it ironic that the females, even in poke-society, are expected to be thin, fragile, and weak, while the males are expected to be rough, tough, and strong; however, we all are born to fight?" _Everyone stared at him.

"_This is, like, supposed to be a humor fic, you know. God." _Joanne muttered. Hiromi sighed. So much for ethics.

_God._

Or, rather, _Himself._

Hiromi laughed at that, as he fell asleep.

The next morning, a splash, and the sensation of cold water awoke him. _"IT'S SO COLD!!!" _Hiromi roared in pain. "_Suck it up! Don't you wanna be skinny!?" _A counselor who looked like she snorted crack to _stay _skinny roared at him. He shrunk back. "_Yes..."_

"_THEN START SWIMMING LAPS!" _She screamed at him. He shuddered, and nodded. The great dragon began to dogpaddle crazily.

* * *

-_Meanwhile, back at the ranch...-_

(Always wanted to say that...)

"_So, should we go get him back?" _Caetalus grumbled, angrily trying to get to the next stage on Resident Evil 4. The others looked up from their beds in the Hotel room they had outside Lake Valor.

"_Nah..." _So, we decided to leave him there for the time being. We were so sure mom would be pissed when she got back, but eh. One less eater of our dessert.

"_DAMN IT, LEON! YOU DUMB FUCK, THE ZOMBIE IS THAT WAY!" _Chuchu roared. He was kinda a backseat-driver type when it came to video games. The Nidoran in question that was controlling Leon screamed, "_I KNOW!" _And smacked Chuchu over the head.

"_Geez. Maybe it's a good thing Hiromi left. Like we needed one more psycho." _Adora spoke to the other young pokemon. Mikhail growled at his daughter, but when no one was looking, patted her over the head.

It was everyone hates Hiromi decade, so we supposed.

* * *

_-Back at HSABFC-_

Hiromi was TIRED. He had just run fifty laps, swam five miles in the freezing cold pool, and eaten nothing but paper and carrot sticks for THREE DAYS. Gretchen stared at the food. "_God, they, like, should make these matchstick-thin, don't you think, Hiromi?" _This cheered Hiromi up.

"_Hey! Now I remember! My mom eats matchsticks!" _Gretchen looked at him with interest. He cheered up more. When he usually announced this to people, they just usually inched away.

"_Really? Does it, like, make her thin?" _Hiromi thought, and shook his head. "_Nah, she's a fatass. But she only ate them once, because Mikhail and Szeren took her to the hospital to get her stomach pumped, 'cause she couldn't breathe fire. Doesn't that suck?" _Joanne and Anna stared at him.

Hiromi sighed, and continued to eat his carrot. _Himself, _these people were_ weird._

Two more days of this torture, and Hiromi was ready to kill himself. He missed his family. And there was a new episode of Criminal Minds on, AND HE HAD MISSED IT.

"_Life isn't FAIR!" _The Rayquaza flew away, and cried into his pillow. "_Myself-damn, this is SO NOT FAIR!" _He was caught up in his teenage angst...again.

"_God. He's so, like, emotional. Someone needs his medication." _Anna muttered, swallowing a few more pills.

* * *

-_Once again, back at the ranch...-_

"YOU SENT HIM _WHERE?!" _Jack winced. The Umbreon's rings gleamed lighter blue. "_To... Fat camp. Hey, he asked to go!" _His trainer stared at him. Then she sighed, and turned to the others.

"Look, I don't care. Just GET HIM BACK. I need the anorexic retard back for a Tournament. You don't understand; this is my chance to kick Ash's ASS. Slowly and painfully." She was enraptured in her dreams of killing the poor fool dead, when they heard an angry, staticky yell. Ari sighed.

"Dammit! ALRIGHT MA, I'M COMING! JESUS!" She roared. Turning back to her pokemon, she growled, "He better be back by the time I come back, or else I'm sacrificing you all to Vita, got it?" They all nodded. Satisfied, she disappeared.

"_Goddamn! I was SO CLOSE!" _Caetalus yelled, chucking the game controller at the screen. He curled up into a ball, sobbing hysterically. "_Fuckin' zombies! DAMN YOU!! DAMN YOOOOUUU..." _Everyone stared.

Nonchalantly, Mimi fluffed a white cloth in front of him. He passed out on the spot. Her adorable Skitty tail twitched evilly. "_What'd you DO?" _Ichigo asked. Mimi grinned, contorting her scar eerily.

"_Ah, the joys of cholorform..." _Picking Caetalus up, they set off for Sendoff Springs to save Hiromi. Unwillingly as it was, they were not getting sacrificed to some drunken Mew.

* * *

-_Back at HSABFC-_

Hiromi had been dragged out for some 'girl time' thusly ignoring the fact that he was a boy. Joanne and Anna were happily chattering to each other, binging on lo-fat Berry smoothies. Hiromi got a chocolate milkshake, since he was craving something remotely fat.

"_I know! They're like, so hot!" _The three girls were poring over a new issue of _Pokemon_; in this one, apparently, there was a centerfold...

Hiromi sighed, bored out of his mind. It figured he would be stuck with idiots. "_What have I become?" _He asked himself, lighting dimming for a dramatic effect. "_I was the great Sky King! And now..." _He sighed dramatically, making a thousand roses die.

"_...I am surrounded... by idiots. Wherever I go, they shall follow." _He swooned onto the table, making it sag and break. "_But damn, do I miss those idiots." _

Silence.

"_Yes, well, we didn't miss you." _Hiromi's feelers shot up. Caetalus, Brutus, Mikhail, and everyone else were standing in the center of the smoothie shop. "_GUYS!" _He cheered.

Everyone stared at the pokemon. "_He's, like, cute." _Gretchen said, indicating Cheshire. The Persian shuddered. His creamy white fur bristled. Snatching the pokeball out of Sage's claw, he gave them a riddle.

"_What has six legs, transparent wings, and the name of an obscure 80's band that was technically a one-hit wonder, unless you are someone like Kiddo, in which case, Peter Murphy's name sends you into swoons?" _He kinda got off subject. It's what he does.

Everyone stared at him. Sage rolled his eyes. "_Bauhaus!" _Cheshire muttered, "_No one understands me," _before throwing the Pokeball.

"_Oh. It's, like, Giratina." _Gretchen remarked. Bauhaus roared. Flexing his weeny-teeny transparent wings, he growled, "_So you are the ones building Fat Camps in my Springs?" _Everyone stared.

Joanne died first. Bauhaus happily munched ele-squirrel head for awhile, then turned to the Buneary. Cheshire grinned like his namesake. "_KILL!" _Everyone else turned to Hiromi. Mimi promptly fluffed the chloroform rag in front of Hiromi's face.

They left Bauhaus to wreak havoc. Jet and Karona the Diagla dragged Hiromi back to the Hotel. "_Well, we brought him back." _Mimi sighed.

"_Great. Mom's in Snowpoint city." _She said, reading the note on the counter. They all shrugged. Darkie and Rogue summoned a Dark Void, and dragged them all to Hell...

Ahem, I mean Snowpoint City. They're perfectly good at it, trust me. –shifty eyes-

Anyways, the still-unconscious Hiromi was dragged to Ari, who sighed, glared at Mimi, and recalled Hiromi.

"Nice. C'mon, fatass, we have a ten-year-old to kill." She dragged the others along with her.

Meanwhile, Bauhaus was still wreaking havoc on the cute and cuddly little anorexic pokemon.

So it goes.

Ari sucessfully killed Ash, who, just as she had suspected, was an eons-old evil vampire. (1) This, further pissing off the REAL Slim Shady—ahem, vampire-thing, had Hiromi kill him dead on the spot.

So it goes. But this time, no one cares.

Back in Snowpoint, Ari shut the game off, and disappeared to go plot world domination. Everyone looked at each other. "_What are we gonna do?" _Ari had left the TV on, and it was playing, "_Let's open up a restaurant in... Santa Fe! Sunny Santa Fe would be nice!" _

Everyone looked at each other. "_Wanna open up a restaurant?" _Loa asked. Mikhail shrugged. "_Eh, sure, why the hell not." _

But _that, _dear reader, is a story for the next chapter.

* * *

(One note. Wow. 1: HE IS!! An eternal ten-year-old! God! Why am I the only one who notices HE NEVER GETS ANY OLDER?! 

Hiromi: Cartoon logic, dumbass.

-resolutely ignores him-)


	3. RENT gives you bad ideas

(Random and short chapter! Kira is in here, because they did need customers... Next one, my pokes form a rescue team, meaning more are going to die rather than be rescued. They're not good with orders. Anyways, yes, I abuse the CRAP outta my AR. I have, like, fifty zillion Rayquazas now. And a ton of Darkrai and Eevee and Rattata and stuff. All part of my plan for world domination. But first, I need to bomb New Zealand. My plan's KINDA counting on that...

Ahem. Don't own RENT, Pokemon, Against Me! or the Restaurant in Sunny Santa Fe. YOU HEARD NOTHING!)

* * *

"_Ba ba badah bababa badadada! Dada dada-dadh! You gonna mess up with the wrong GUYS! Gonna mess up on the wrong DRUGS!" _Mikhail the Mightyena growled at Caetalus, who was singing some song by Against Me! for the eightieth time.

"_Obviously, you little junkie." _Caetalus flicked his ear. As the others bustled around the plot of land they'd purchased with the cash Ari had gotten through unscrupulous means, (Read: Action Replay), he sniggered.

"_But doesn't it sound like Hiromi?" _He giggled. The Great Gay Green Dragon in question raised his head.

"_Fuck you, asshole!" _He roared. Caetalus said nothing more. He was NOT facing that Dragon Pulse again.

"_Oh, and Lunalis and Absentha are off snogging Maladox and Rogue, so you're on cooking detail. TRY not to kill anyone." _He told the two of them. (Midnightshippers, here you go!)

They scurried off to cook. But this chapter doesn't focus on them, it focuses on...

Well, everyone else. I have a lot of pokemon, you know. Let's start with the Legendaries.

"_Jeez, Kiddo went a LITTLE crazy with that Action Replay, dont'cha think?" _Kappa, one of the only nonsharked pokemon there remarked. He was just a Golduck. He'd had the Pokerus, but other than that, he was nothing special. No odd birthplace, no shining color...

The vast majority of Ari's Legends would fall right into those categories, however. (She had A LOT of shiny Legends...)

Siobhan and Wish, the two level 35 Arceus...Arceusi? Anyways, they were happily playing with Coriona, the Level 33 Shining Articuno.

Then there were the two Shining Darkrai, both of whom were off snogging the older Shining Cresselia twins.

Ichigo was eating her favorite sweet Pecha and Custap berries, (of which there were 995 of), and Jet was arguing with their cousins, Othello and Sheena, the two Shining Rayquaza.

The sea-green Shining Diagla Karona frolicked with Lunalis, the level 32 shiny Cresselia. And Vita, the greatest drunken glitch of them all, why, she was...

"_Damnit! VITA! THAT WINE IS FOR THE CUSTOMERS, YOU INSULT TO LEGENDS!" _Orcus (1) yelled at her. Vita's new boyfriend, the shining Mew was obviously pissed.

No, not pissed in the drunk sense. THAT was his girlfriend's job. Arceus help us if they have kids...

(Ahem, important plot note.)

Anyways, Ari's worst decision she ever made, (and believe us, there were plenty to choose from), was letting us have run of this little patch of hell until she came back.

And worst of all? EVERYONE WOULDN'T STOP SINGING RENT.

"_How we gonna pay? HOW WE GONNA PAY!" _Trunks the Shiftry roared. "_LAST YEARS RENT!?" _Just like Mark and Roger did, they started setting paper on fire.

"_ONE SONG GLORY... ONE SONG BEFORE I GO..." _Erose wailed, even though he has no hands to play the guitar, nor was he blessed with any sort of voice one would deem decent enough for singing with.

"_Hey, guys, guys, goddamnit! That's the land lease! HEY!" _Ducis screeched, flicking his crimson tail at them angrily.Crushclaw the Blastoise sighed. "_Oh hell, why do you bother, Ducis!?"_ He addressed the Gyarados, who shrugged.

"_Masochism?" _Crushclaw sighed. Back in the restaurant...

"_Welcome to Hell—I mean, Santa Fe, how may I help you? No, Ozzie, Hiromi's busy. Yes, we need customers. Don't laugh. Free food for me." _Loa the Munchlax shrugged. Pomega was ruining the restaurant decor with Cescea the Phione; sand and water didn't mix.

He sighed. "_The things I do for love... Glassjaw!" _He yelled for the Charizard. "_Do your thing!" _True to his name, the Charizard had a talent for turning things into glass with his flames.

The floor became crystal. "_That's better! Rorja! Rythric!" _The two pokemon both were working intently on... doing nothing. Loa sighed. He was supposed to be the happy lazy one! God-fuckin'-dammit-shit! In an out of character moment, he swore. Then he ate a Poffin laced with rum to ease his mental suffering.

"_We're gonna live like kings! Damn-hell-ass-fuck-shit-kings!" _Mikhail growled from the kitchen. Loa didn't see what was different here... Ari let them do fuck-all, get drunk, and kill things messily when she was here, what was so different about running a restaurant?

Ichigo was happily eating a Custap berry, when her brother poked her in the head. "_You're supposed to smile and look cute, Ich, not get fat." _Ichigo whacked him over the head with her wing. Then she went back to eating. Fuck the patriarchy.

"_Kiddo's back! And she's got her Action Replay in!" _Berlitz the Vaporeon roared. "_How can you tell?" _Jet shot back. She grinned evilly, magenta tail flashing in the light in tandem with her fangs.

"_Because. She walked through a tree. Again..." _The trainer in question poked her head inside the restaurant. "Nice, you guys ruined it without my help." She remarked. She stared. "So, where are the customers?" They all stared at each other. Their trainer sweatdropped.

"Well, I'm not dressing up as a mascot; I have people to kill and regions to conquer, so you're on your own." She flounced out to go catch another Shaymin or whatever, leaving us alone with the prospect of advertising. Everyone stared at Caetalus and Chuchu, the two cute-and-only-slightly-crazy pokemon.

They hauled ass, but it was too late. Ayame the Gardevoir had them in her psi grip, so...

"_I'm going to kill them."_ Caetalus glowered, as he stood dressed up like a Pikachu. Chuchu nodded angrily, as he attempted to chew through his Torchic costume. "_Yeah, same here. Besides, no one's gonna come to the restaurant where you're likely going to get killed by a Missingno." _Caetalus nodded sagely.

"_Yes, well, Shadow doesn't kill people intentionally... he just fucks up code data, it's how he is." _Caetalus did like Shadow, mostly because one time he trapped Hiromi in GlitchTown for an hour, so Caetalus liked him indeed.

"_Why does everyone hate Hiromi?" _Chuchu thought out loud. Caetalus shrugged. "_Well, not all of us. Me, Brutus, and Mikhail, really. And mostly for that Dragon Pulse he sicced on me. Rude." _He sighed, pronouncing 'Rude' the same way Ozzie did; with a lisp.

Chuchu said nothing, wisely contemplating how many NORMAL trainers would love a shiny Rattata...

"_We have customers! ...Goddamn, it's Kira. Dammit!" _The girl fluffed her hair. "Thanks, I'll remember that... Ozzie! Stop snogging Hiromi! Do you have any idea how unsanitary that is in a restaurant!?" She yelled at the dragon. A muffled, '_Screw you, ma!' _was heard.

Deidre filed her claws. "_Right... where's Dave?" _The pyro Squirtle was setting the gas tank on fire. Deidre yawned, and looked in the mirror. "_Shit, I got somethin' insh my teefh." _She grumbled.

Ari was nowhere to be found during all this. Meanwhile, The Restaurant from Sante Fe was serving its customers... if Loa would stop eating the general population's food.

Later, after Pomega had tied him up, Kira had actually enjoyed the food, though her pokemon were too busy fighting Ari's to care much. Such is life...

The restaurant was almost perfect. We'd had our first customer, and well... "_I'm bored with this." _Mikhail announced. They all sighed.

"_Yeah, just wait until the end of the chapter, okay? Then we'll make plans for something else. Let's make sure Kiddo's teeny brain doesn't go into overload..." _Their trainer overheard, and squawked in indignation.

"Bloody hell, I'm at the top of my classes!" Vita flipped a page in a book of Pokemon baby names. "_No one cares. Now let me think." _Rorja, the tiny Misdreavus grinned. Though a new abused refugee from Chris' game, he was already aware of Vita's... vices? Sure, let's call them that...

"_Names for kids? I got 'em. How about Jack and Daniels?" _Vita shook her head. She didn't understand the joke, thankfully, or else she might've throttled the ghostball right then and there. As it was, his suffering was postphoned.

"_No, Jack's already an Umbreon... hey, wait a minnit! You little ghostball!" _She chased him around with a bottle of beer in her paw, until, squeaking in terror, he hid behind Ari. She sniggered.

"_He has a point, Vita. Remember what a horrible influence you were on Kiddo here?" _Szeren interjected. Vita glowered at her. "_'Scuse mwah! Oi, you were her bloody mutta! So... shaddup... or summing..." _She rolled over, and fell asleep in midair.

Wisely, everyone, even Orcus, was silent.

"_Fuckin' FINALLY! We're done!" _Mikail squealed in joy. The restaurant sparkled in all its cleanliness. And stuff.

It just begged to be ruined by a bunch of messy idiots. Thankfully, we had quite a few of those...

"_We're gonna have to pay for this." _Ducis remarked fifteen minutes later. Molotov cocktails worked rather fast... Ari waved a hunk of black plastic in the air. "Ye shalt worshipe at the feet of the bloody Action Replay." Mikhail nodded solemnly. "_Seig heil." _

Suddenly, a Pelipper landed on Hiromi's head. He tipped his head back, and caught him up in one fatal crunch. Everyone stared at the fluttering letter in his jaws. They also ignored the corpse of the Pelipper. Rorja picked it up. Even though he doesn't have hands.

"_Dear team of Kiddo," _He read, using the hands he didn't have to hold the letter. Maybe it was magic. "_We need you to form a rescue team! If you don't, your trainer will probably take over the world, and kill the human race. So, can you try to make sure we're not harmed in the process? Thanks, __The Rescue Society."_

All was silent. Ari fingered a gun in annoyance. "Damn, I liked that Pelipper dude in the game." She shook a finger at Hiromi. "Anyways, so... you guys are gonna form a rescue team, and I'm going to take over the world? Sweet. Race you!" She pressed a button, and a giant mechazoid appeared out of nowhere.

"_She does know it's not happening." _Jay remarked. Mikhail shrugged. Then, "YOUNG LADY, COME HERE AND CLEAN YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT!" Ari poked her head outside the mecha.

"FUCK YOU NANCY, I'M PLOTTING WORLD DOMINATION!" It seemed like she had won, yet... Ari freaked. "Okay, okay! Just STAY AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER!!" And she phased out.

"_Well_," Whiplash said, rat-tail flicking interestedly. "_Shall we start a team anyways_?" They all shrugged.

"_We'll take that as a yes..." _The more responsible ones chorused.

The irresponsible ones went on a killing spree. Why? Because, hell, no one was gonna stop them, and people actually needed to die in this chapter.

So that's where it ends. People die. Yeah. And Vita gets drunk. The authoress just kicks this little plot hole shut, and you forget this ever happened, okay?


	4. Rescue Team Idiot

(Behold, the terror of our Rescue Team! Parody ho! Seriously, beware. And the origins of Kiddo's names. Both Damned Lolita and Kiddo... yup! So sit back and enjoy pure crack! Don't own. Another cliffie! Love me!)

* * *

"_I can't believe this is really our team name." _Mikhail muttered angrily. During the argument, Whiplash had written it out of spite, and now...

* * *

_-Flashback-_

"_I wanna be Rescue Team DEATH!" Caetalus complained. "No, screw you! Rescue Team DOOM!" Kiki the female Nidoran shrieked at him. "DEATH!" "DOOM!" "DEATH!" "DOOM!"_

"_DUCK!" Loa had shrieked. They both stared at him. "What? That's a stupid name—" They were promptly hit in the head by a flying Ducis the Gyarados, who had been thrown by Grimwald the Pachirisu in another name argument. He was cool like that._

"_I told you!" Loa crowed, basking in his glory. Mimi glared at them all. "Team Catnip!" Hiromi wrinkled his nose. "Hellz no! Team Behavioral Analysis Unit!" _

_Everyone stared at him. "...That doesn't fit into the space..." Orcus grumbled. Story, the child-god, raised his hand/paw/hoof, and cried, "Oooh! How about Rescue team... Pie!" Everyone stared at him now. He stuck his tongue out._

_It soon turned into a full-scale naming war. Things were thrown, and it was every pokemon for themselves._

"_Team Foxy!" "Team Disaster!" "Team Special!" "Team Crushclaw!" "TEAM DEATH, GODDAMNIT!" "TEAM UNIT!" "TEAM FANTA!" "TEAM TEAM!" "TEAM ROCKET!" _

_Whiplash watched this scene calmly. The albino Raticate made a quick decision based on the chaos she was observing currently. She sat down, and clearly wrote, "Rescue Team Idiot" On the dotted line. Without anyone noticing, she walked down to the Pelipper Post Office, and mailed it quietly._

_-End Flashback-

* * *

_

"_Well, it could've been worse..._" Jupetta the Banette offered. "_I mean, we could've gotten stuck with Story's name_." This clearly annoyed the Arceus, who proceeded to sit and wail like a child during a temper tantrum... which one could say he was having.

Vita tied hers on, and asked Orcus, "_Does my bum look big?" _Orcus shook his head. "_No, just your stomach." _Vita slammed him over the head with her tail. He stumbled back, knocked unconscious.

"_Geez, Orcus, don't you know it's rude to insult a pregnant woman?" _Sachiko said boredly, shuffling her pack of cards.

Yes, it's true. Vita is pregnant. But the horrors of that are for some later chapter...

"_Yeah, anyways, we got mail. Or rather, Rescue-team-fuckin'-idiot has mail. Whiplash, you suck big time." _Scourge said. The Absol glared at the red-eyed white rat, placing the mail down.

"_Mission; save Caterpie! Location: Route 204! Reward is... uh, a bottle of laudanum... anyone know what that is?" _Pfiki the Manaphy read. No one answered her question, choosing instead to put on their "Rescue Team Idiot' badges, all of which had this moniker placed quite conspicuously on there... (Probably at the behest and amusement of the Rescue Society.)

"_God, I fuckin' hate this planet." _Erose growled, incredibly annoyed. The others nodded their consent. "_Well, look at it this way_," Noctus, (the Cacturne I SO caught before Harley) offered, firing off a Solarbeam at some Skarmory that had managed to end up near Twinleaf town..._ "We're not stuck dealing with Kiddo again." _She said, breathing a sigh of relief.Erose grunted an agreement, before setting off a Seed Bomb.

* * *

-_Back at Kiddo's Ebil Fortress of Doom-_

"SHIT!" The trainer roared. "WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL ME KIDDO?! EVEN _**I **_CALL MYSELF FUCKIN' KIDDO!" Yes, the newly minted evil supreme overlord our good ol' rescue team has to fight is throwing a shit-fit about her nickname.

Again.

"PEOPLE WHO ARE _THREE FUCKIN' YEARS YOUNGER_ THAN ME CALL ME KIDDO!! MY POKEMON CALL ME KIDDO, AND I HAVE THIRTEEN YEARS ON HALF OF THEM! SHIT!" She sighed, and rubbed her hands together evilly.

"But once I bomb the CRAP outta Solaceon, that'll change... goddamn rednecks..." She grumbled this angrily, and set about building a Poke-bomb, listening to Regina Spektor. She didn't care about the Daycare Center; it already seemed she ran one as things were.

* * *

_-Back with our heroes...-_

"_GAH! I HATE THIS_!" This one route seemed to have no end, instead trying to kill our heroes from sheer boredom alone. "_I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO ANYTHING BUT TACKLE, AND EVERYONE DIES!_!" (Yes, I'm abusing Caps Lock right now... shut up.)

Jupetta merely examined his claw, which had become exceedingly more interesting the more Noctus raved...

"_Anyways, I think Caterpie was in Square Four of this shithole. We're in Square Three." _Deidre said, doing something useful for the first-and-last time in her life, by checking a map.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "_Would laudanum fuck up our kids?" _Vita asked, flicking her tail. Orcus groaned, and nodded. She swore angrily.

Hiromi stared ahead. "_I see him! He's up ahead_!" Jupetta squealed, and flung himself forward, only to discover—

Caterpie having a scandalous love affair with a Weedle? Nah. Caterpie plotting to overthrow the world's soon-to-be-overlord, Kiddo? Nope, guess again. Caterpie...

"_Um... any specific reason you're dancing along to the Poketubbies_?" Jupetta asked, horrified. Caterpie wailed.

"_I CAN'T STOP! It's mind control! Save me!" _The loud, obnoxious music of the children's show was blaring throughout all their ears. Deidre yawned, and thanked Aphrodite she had no visible ears.

Kiddo's Skitties, (which there are so many of, that they could just form their own goddamn team), were another story. "_Mimi! DO SOMETHING!" _Eneko, Ari's one of Ari's cutest gay male Skitty, wailed. She growled.

"_DRAGON PULSE—" _She was cut off by the fact that the show fizzed out. They all stared at the screen. "_Fuck, izzit on? Yes? Okay, where's my coffee? Whaddya mean, I can't fuckin' drink on-air! BITCH!" _They all groaned.

Yes, who else could it be but Kiddo. (Besides the six million other people that played Pokemon, but none were as crazy as her. So there.)

"_People of Sinnoh, Johto, Kanto, and Hoenn! I come in... um, a world domination mood! Hellsh yeah, natch! So, I offer this. Hoenn, I have kidnapped Harley, so yeah, you're not getting him back, even if you comply to my demands. But hey. Anyway, Kanto, I have a retarded Missingno. to sic on you if you don't COMPLY with my wishes. Johto, I have... uh, I have a red Gyarados. Beware. And Sinnoh, I have a Diagla, Palkia, and Darkrai, so yeah, if you don't wanna repeat of Alamos town, comply! Send a coalition of your Elite Four, especially Lance, he's smexy." _They all stared in shock.

This wasn't their trainer, right? Even though she WOULD kidnap Harley and Lance for god-knows-what-reason, this COULDN'T be her.

Yet the stupidity and random threats of this girl certainly were reminiscent of Kiddo. Dammit!

"_Ahem. Anyways, send the Elite Four of your region here, and we will discuss my agreements. You have one hour." _She fizzed out ungracefully, yelling something about her Java Chip Frappuchino.

Just as they expected, they were immediately given a letter, delivered by Pelipper. (Hey, that rhymes!) As Hiromi and Soren shared Pelipper's corpsey goodness, they read, "_Get your ass moving! Your trainer's in Blackthorn City, hurry and stop her! –Rescue Society"_

Szeren rolled her eyes. "_No matter what I did, I knew she was gonna end up like this..." _Ayame and Asariel were kind enough to use Teleport to get them there quickly.

And Caterpie? He was EATED. By Hiromi, who wasn't full from Pelipper. Trust me, this happens a lot. And I hate Caterpie. Pissant little shit.

Ahem.

They raced towards the Dragon's Den, where this conference was apparently being held.

* * *

-_Inside Kiddo's Ebil Fortress-_

Steven Stone, Ex-champion of Hoenn, looked around calmly, in this cavern below Dragon's Den. "What. The. Hell." He said both calmly and hysterically, like he wasn't about to go insane.

The lair was bascially what would happen if Jigsaw came back from the dead, and started making Hello-Kitty themed traps.

Pink handcuffs hung on the wall, though they didn't exactly convey a feeling of imprisonment...

Chococat and Badtz-Maru posters plastered the walls. Chainsaws and other sharpy-pointy thingies of death and doomie-doom-doom lay scattered about next to a stack of books.

"World Domination for Blondes." Lance repeated this in the same tone Steven had previously used; that is, one of hysteria-bordering-on-insanity. Will shrugged, and flipped his way through it.

"Well, it obviously worked." There was footsteps. Everyone jumped—

"Yeah, hi. Sit, sit, willya? I just made another pot of coffee." They all stared. This evil enemy, coated in video-produced shadows, was a thirteen year old fatty.

Team Rocket, beware.

She stared at all of them. "Okay, so, my main point is I want control of Johto. Gamefreak forgot about it, so I think I can keep it now, okay? And I want a crown and stuff. And a better evil lair, one with more of those Chococat posters." She nodded.

"Cigarette?" She proffered a box. Karen spoke up in disbelief. I mean, thirteen year olds smoking didn't happen unless you were on crack, or in this fic.

"Um... you're a kid." She smiled at Karen's stupidity, and shook her head. "Nah, nah. I can be whatever I want. AND I'm immortal. It's my power." Lance stared at her.

"Power?" Lorelei echoed stupidly. She nodded, and rolled her eyes. "_Hellloo? _Lolita. Look it up, bitches." Wallace was thrown a book of goddess myths.

"Um, I read that in class years ago. Wasn't it about a child molester?" Bruno asked. Kiddo huffed angrily. "THAT one was. I'm talking about myself." Wallace read in horror.

"_In mythology, the Lolita is the divine essence of the universe, a teenage girl-woman delighting in both girlish play and sexual intercourse. The power of creation is something she treats like a toy, bringing things into being on a whim." _Everyone stared at her. She grinned.

"What part of Damned Lolita don't you idiots get?" She rolled her eyes. "Vamp chick with creational powers and stuff. Okay, I'd like Johto now, please." Everyone still stared at her. She shrugged.

"Please?" Everyone looked at each other. "And if we don't?" Agatha ventured. She grinned happily, and clapped her hands.

"THAT, I was hoping for. I bomb Solaceon, and sic my threats on ya." She was obviously enjoying this.

But Rescue Team Idiot had other plans.

"_Dammit, stop! We're Rescue Team—" _Brutus stopped. "_Oh, hell no, I'm not saying it." _

"_SAY IT!" _Everyone thundered. He shrunk.

"_We're Rescue Team Idiot, and we're here to stop you!" _Kiddo only stared. Then she shrugged. "Figures. It suits you."

"You... know them?" Steven groaned. She nodded. "Yeah, they're my pokemon." Everyone stared at Rescue Team Idiot.

Then they cracked up.

Everyone glared at Whiplash. "_I blame you." _Ari rolled her eyes.

"I can solve this. Return!" She summoned a gazillion pokeballs, and recalled all of them. She stared at the Elite Four, still laughing hysterically.

She rolled her eyes again. "You know what? Forget Johto for the moment." Pressing a button, she shrugged. As Solaceon became no more, she plotted evilly.

"If I can use those Lolita powers for myself... I COULD BE SEXY!" She snapped her fingers. Nothing happened. She sweatdropped. "We'll work on it later. For now, let's work on bending space and time... And getting the nickname Kiddo changed..."

* * *

So that's where this chapter ends. Will Rescue Team Idiot get out of their pokeballs? Will Kiddo conquer the world, Damned Lolita she is? Will Kiddo's name change? Will I stop referring to myself in the third person? Will I finally be declared crazy enough to make it to the asylum? Will anyone care? FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER! 


	5. Kiddo has sold her soul! Again!

(A new pointless chapter! For Rose, Team Rescue is in this, and they're her team. They rule. Okay, this won't be updated for awhile, because I have a few oneshots and fic chapters to work on. Maybe next week, if I've got time, okay? Man, I make fun of myself so much... oh well, it's fun. And I make fun of that stupid 'pokeymans' thing. I HATE IT. And the all-caps POKEMON names. It's ANNOYING. I don't own.)

* * *

"_THIS IS POKEMON ABUSE! I WILL SUE_!!" Erose roared, encased in the pokeball. Berlitz rolled her eyes. "_Dude, your lawyer's a potted plant. Shut up already_." Erose grumbled, and rolled around. "_We have to get out. If she takes over Johto, we're_..." Soren stopped midthought.

"_Well, we'd be rich and famous, sleep in luxury beds, and eat the best food, and also be able to get the people we hate killed. But we have to stop her for the good of the world_." Soren told the other pokemon. Decisions, decisions...

The fate of the world hung in the balance. And in all honestly, they would've probably let their trainer take over Johto, but for the fact that...

"_HEY! SHE DIDN'T LEAVE HER IPOD HERE! BITCH! THIS IS JUST LIKE ABU GHARIB! SHE'S DEAD!" _They screamed in outrage. Well, about half of them did, but they were bored, so saving the world sounded like fun!

I mean, all those people in the movies did it in, like, an hour! So they were sure that... that...

That Rescue Team Idiot could do it.

But somewhere else, another Team had already been sent to Johto to stop Kiddo. Team Rescue. "_I want a drink." _Joe complained. Brian growled at him, and adjusted his gun. Chaz stole it from Brian, and only gave it back after he pulled a machete on her. Iggy ate his DRYD TAOD PEELS.

So two teams of complete retards going on a journey to stop a self-insert.

Oooh, this'll be fun to watch.

* * *

-_Back with Evil Overlord Kiddo-_

The teen was still trying to make herself sexy. "FUCK! Molly did it in the third movie! Which was kinda creepy and pedophilic if you think about it... but my point is made!" She snapped her fingers again.

Nothing. She growled. "_Kiddo... to be... a sexy self insert... you must... sell your soul..." _Kiddo rolled an eyeball in the direction of the curtain that had magically appeared in the corner.

"How much of it do you want? I have five parts already in Horcruxes and stuff. So, you get one-eighteenth." The voice faltered. "_I thought you said you only had five Horcruxes." _Kiddo shrugged.

"I do. Six parts I sold to the devil, and the other seven are locked up somewhere in my closet. And I'm NOT going in there unless absolutely necessary!" She stopped for a second. "Heheh, I said Absol." The voice stared at her with his eyes that were invisible to the reader.

"_Damn, do you drive a hard bargain. But here." _He waved a hand, and disappeared. Kiddo wondered why he hadn't collected her soul, but she was too overcome with the realization her powers could be complete to care. Once more, she snapped her fingers.

Her legs began to straighten. Her hair... "Oh my god, keep that color! I like it!" She shrieked in horror. ...Anyways. Her hair began to reach her back, curling sexily above her... "I have a nonextending ass!" She cheered. This was the only part of her that was fat.

Her eyes went from storm-blue to a shimmering rainbow. If she had looked in a mirror, the glow probably would've blinded her. Or me. Whatever. Her glasses disappeared. She felt all special and sparkly.

"NOW!" The newly-made true Self-Insert shrieked. "TO TAKE OVER JOHTO!" She flounced off. Apparently, only her appearance had changed... for the moment...

Back with our Rescue Team, however, no one was feeling very pretty. "_Fuckin' insanity! Bloody hell, isn't it great?!" _Everyone stared at Rogue, who was getting rather hysterical. "_I just LOVE our trainer, don't you?!" _Everyone shrugged at the crazed Darkrai.

Jack flicked his ears. "_It's just Chococat posters. God." _He looked around. "_Oh, and the screaming metal deathtraps. But whatever." _Mimi found great amusement in setting those traps off.

"_It's too bad we don't have Caterpie's corpse to torture... Because some FATTY ATE IT!!" _She growled. The Skitty glared up, way, way, WAY up at the Rayquaza. Hiromi stared back.

But the point was, their trainer wasn't here. "_Dear god, maybe we don't have to do anything now." _Lotus the Lotad breathed a sigh of relief. Cheroro the Cherrim began to dance happily. But, just to prove how EVIL Kiddo is, she then burst through the cave in a giant robot suit, making Cheroro cry.

Yeah, she's a bitch.

Everyone stared at the suit. It was all pink and flowery, covered in crocheted doilies and daises. A rebellious-but-still-conformist Happy Bunny sticker was plastered on the side.

"_No. It can't be Kiddo." _Pika gaped. The Raichu wanted to believe that... Everyone shook their heads. "_It's not." _But, yea verily, it was.

"Oh my god! It's, like, pokeymans!" This girl crowed. "Go pokeman ball!" Everyone almost died. Kiddo was a stickler for grammar! And she'd never call a pokemon 'pokemans'! EVER!

So there was only one explanation... "_Dammit, did she sell her soul __again__!?" _Szeren shrieked. The others shook their heads in terror. "_It's worse than that. She's become... become... a... a..." _Ponpao the Tropius couldn't find the words. Berlitz finished.

"_A self-insert." _Everyone gasped. "_I warned her! But she didn't LISTEN! Dammit!" _Szeren squawked. Everyone shuddered, as the hatch of the Robo-Insert opened.

Their trainer was... gone. This blonde-haired pretty thing was not their trainer. By about fifty pounds, she was SO not Kiddo. She stood there. "Well, I think I have to catch all you pokeymanz—_GUY'S IT'S KIDDO, HELP ME!" _The girl seemed to split for a second, with their real trainer coming through.

The girl frowned, and got back in the Robo-Insert, and called, "To Cherrygrove!" The other pokemon stared. "_Kiddo's gone and fucked with the space-time continuum again. Great." _Lysander the Sceptile sighed. Everyone groaned.

"_So we've got to save her?" _The wall was blasted open by a bazooka. "_Yes! But you won't be alone! Team Rescue is here!" _They stared at these new pokemon.

The Charmander was standing behind that weird Togepi that had shot the gun. A Pikachu was passed out in the corner.

W3 R HRE 2 HELP! Some Magnemite exclaimed. The Charmander made introductions. "_I am Chaz. I steal things. This is Brian. He blows up stuff. Joe is the drunken rat in the corner. And Iggy is a hypochondriac. We're here to help your trainer... I think. Well, we kinda have to, now that she's a self-insert and stuff." _Rescue Team Idiot looked at each other.

Well, they were probably screwed either way, why not? And that unnatural egg thing in the corner had a gun. And Mimi liked guns.

So Teams Rescue and Idiot set off for Cherrygrove. Iggy happily shocked Kurama the Jolteon, who then became a hyperactive menace. "_A ZIG AND A ZAG, LET'S GO MOTHERFUCKERS!" _He howled, rushing off and bouncing around. Mimi looked at Brian.

"_Can I borrow that?" _She said, indicating the rather large gun in the crazed egg's hands. He nodded, and she took it, cackling madly. "_Nya nya nya! I am SO EVIL!" _She roared, shooting at trees, weeds, and Trainers. Everyone just sighed, and continued on, egg and kitten both having a blast shooting things. (No pun intended.)

"_I think... I think_..." Jupetta started. Noctus looked at him. "_You regret everything you've done?_" He nodded slowly. They finally arrived in Cherrygrove. Kiddo... was...

"_HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY?! AT LONG LAST, MAN, HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY!?" _Grendel roared. For his master was having tea. With a bunch of Buneary.

Mimi stared. Jupetta looked at Noctus. "_Yes, I do indeed. I regret everything." _Noctus patted him on the head, and smiled Cacturne-style.

Brian levered a gun on her. "_SELF-INSERT! SHOW YOURSELF!" _The egg squawked. Kiddo giggled into her tea. "Why, whatever do you mean? I'm right here." It was Saku this time that spoke up.

"_LIES! LIES FOR THE LIARS!" _She roared, standing on her two hind legs. "_OUR trainer wouldn't do this! She'd be blowing up Buneary, not having FUCKING TEA with them! GET OUT OF KIDDO'S BODY, DAMMIT_!" The blonde Self-Insert stared. She put down the tea, hands shaking in barely contained fury.

"You... you... deny ME!? I am loved by all! I AM PERFECT!" The Self-Insert shrieked, tearing prettily at her blonde hair. Brian and Mimi leveled their twin bazookas at her.

"_We know. And THAT'S what is pissing us off." _Mimi meowed. The Self-Insert growled.

"Fine! Be it on your own head! I will—_THE EYES GUYS, GO FOR THE EYES!" _The Self-Insert had another battle with the real Slim Shady—also known as Kiddo, for domination of this body. The Self-Insert won, and glared at the pokemon.

"Well, I'll use my own pokeymans! BUNEARY! Go!" She pointed at the BUNEARY.

Mimi quoted Avenged Sevenfold, before firing her gun, "_I know it's not your time... but BYE-BYE!!" _She fired off her bazooka at the BUNEARY. Brian looked at her oddly.

"_Shall we?" _Mimi nodded. "_Yes, let's!" _The two psychos skipped through the corpses of BUNEARY, using the two bazookas that had appeared from Weaponspace. Everyone else let them have at it, as they faced the Self-Insert.

"_Give us our mom back!" _Pfiki shrieked. The Self-Insert sighed. "She sold her soul, yanno. Or at least one-eighteenth of it. She kinda asked for this." All of them were silent. Then Szeren puffed up importantly.

"_I told you." _Well, no one was really in the mood to argue.

"_MAUL HER EYES!" _Cheshire roared, leaping at her. Angel the Scizor clicked his claws, and snipped her hair rough and ragged, like Kiddo's.

"_The power of the Ceiling Cat compels you! The power of the Ceiling Cat compels you!" _Brompton the Espeon roared, smacking his lime-green tail over her head.

The others simply did what their trainer would have wished; destroyed Cherrygrove, and captured Silver. Why? Because. He's shexy.

"_GO! COME ON GUYS!" _Kiddo roared. Everyone fought her, but it was no use. Her skin remained flawless, her eyes remained perfect, and her hair was uncuttable!

"_Damn! How do we destroy her?!" _Jetstream roared. Cheshire flicked his tail. "_I have an idea. Characters cease to exist when they die, right? So if we kill this Self-Insert, Kiddo can come back!" _Everyone stared at each other.

But Brian had already answered that question. He fired at the Self-Insert. She gave a cute but sad sob, and flopped down dramatically. Brian poked her with a stick, then fired again.

All was silent. Then...

"Well holy hell, that's the last time I EVER sell my soul to a complete stranger." The body of the Self-Insert was gone. In its place stood Kiddo.

"_YOU'RE OKAY!" _Szeren roared happily. Kiddo nodded, and cracked her knuckles.

"Yeah, I am. And I think... I think I'm okay with being called Kiddo. It suits me. But that doesn't mean I can't bitch about it... Okay, who's ready to take over Johto?!" Kiddo crowed. But then... she had another idea.

"Hey... If I take over Team Rocket... won't I get to control _EVERY _region?" She thought about this for a bit. Then she clapped, thrilled.

"Oooh, great idea! First Team Rocket, AND THEN THE WORLD!!" She raced off to Actual Reality to plot.

Her pokemon stood in the corner of the ruined Cherrygrove. "_I... I don't think we can stop her this time." _Noctus said, horrified. Jupetta shrugged.

"_I don't care. Wanna go get drunk with Joe?" _Everyone cheered.

So now? Kiddo didn't get her name changed, we've killed a Self-Insert, and managed to destroy Cherrygrove.

After that, conquering Team Rocket should be a walk in the park.


	6. Hippie Mafia leader Woot

(This hasn't been updated in forever... I'm aware. It's at its core an immature humor fic, so I had other things to work on. But it's summer over here in the U.S. of Ameritards, so I've got time on my hands! Time wasted! /groans at horrible joke/ Right. Hope you enjoy a bit of stupid humor!

I HAVE MY INTARWEBZ BACK, LOL. I AM A HAPPY KIDDO.

Things I do not own; Team Rocket, Fergalicious, My Fair Lady, the Marquis de Sade, which you may or may not get, or anything Kurt Vonnegut wrote, though I wish I was as good as him. And also, I don't own any of the guns or pie makers in this story. And I don't own Pokemon sure enough.)

* * *

"Can I have it?"

"...No."

"...How 'bout now?"

"...Fuck you."

The teen made a huffing noise, and pointed an assault rifle at Giovanni. "Now?" Giovanni stared down the barrel of the gun like the genius Mafia leader he was.

"...What part of 'no' are you not getting here? I'm not losing to some kid!" Ari leaned against the wall, and snickered.

"Right. Just like you didn't lose to some kid in Kanto, Johto, and the Sevii Islands, right?" Giovanni froze. Ari tapped her chin thoughtfully.

"Right. So! Hey, before I kill you or whatever, I have a question; where did you go after I kicked your arse in Kanto? Seriously. You just went 'ka-poof', and I was, like, pissed."

Giovanni fumbled for his gun. In the heat of the moment, Ari went from a semi to a pistol. Why? Emo icon weapon of choice. Not that she was emo.

Oh, no, she was goth. /The Pokemon who have yet to appear in this story hardly think there's a difference, but their trainer wholeheartedly disagrees. And they don't want to get shot./

"Russian Roulette!" Ari cheered. She spun the wheel, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened.

Giovanni raised an eyebrow. "You're actually supposed to put in bullets, you know." She looked inside the barrel of the gun.

"Ooh, shit, you're right. Well, I guess I—"

And I think you can guess what happened next.

_Bang._

Giovanni fainted.

Ari blinked, and stood up. She took off her glasses, and rubbed them. "Goddamn, I cracked a lens!" She took out a shabby orange and black notebook, and made a note. "Okay. That's twice I've died in this fic."

She looked at Giovanni, fainted on the floor. She shrugged. "Well, I'll just shove him in the closet for now."

So she did, and locked it and shut it besides. She sighed.

"I seriously hope he's not GLBT, or the irony might just overpower my childlike immature sense of humor." She was silent for a second.

"...Must resist urge to make dick joke. Seriously. Also, must see therapist about this immature humor thing. Also, do NOT make a 'the rapist' joke. However tempting it may be." She sighed, and tossed out a Nest Ball.

"Come on out, Frieda!" The Smeargle raised an eyebrow, observing her trainer. Ari grinned. "I need a complete Hideout makeover. You and Jackson on it, stat. And get Salvador and O'Keefe to get to work on our banners." She clapped her hands, and went from a pair of torn and paint-abused jeans to a form-fitting Armani suit, complete with pinstripes.

"Sweet. Mafia leader here I come!" She punched the air. Turning on her iPod, she decided to celebrate with a rousing rendition of...

"_Fergalicious, definition, make the boys go crazy, they always come into me think they know me call me Stacy! I'm the F to the E to the R, G the I the E, and can't no otha lady put it down like me_!"

Thankfully, her secret passion for this song would forever be kept secret.

Unless, of course, someone actually read this fic.

She stopped dancing in the hall suddenly, and made an annoyed face.

"I need to think up a good way to kill people." She thought. "I'm making my thinking face." She announced to no one in particular.

Then, in a flash, it came to her. "Grunts!" She roared. "GET ME A MEAT GRINDER, STAT!" She paused. "AND SOME DELICIOUS GRAVY FILLING!" She nodded. Work done.

"Now," she muttered, racing off eagerly, "to seduce Domino..."

And her Pokemon were left waiting.

* * *

"_...So. She's in control of Team Rocket now." _Seraphia stated, speaking the utter obvious. Everyone nodded.

Kilgore the Pikachu flipped a page in his book. (Ironically, or perhaps coincidentally, it was _Slaughterhouse-Five.)_ He spoke, and immediately, everyone was quiet. "_You know that Pikachu that that vampire demon-child Ketchum owns?" _Everyone nodded.

Kilgore tapped his chin thoughtfully. "_Well, we might as well go help out those Team Rocket people that are, you know, trying to get him." _Watson the Shinx frowned.

"_How?" _Kendra, Ari's homicidal Blissey, raised an assault rifle in the air.

"_We bring them the magic of guns." _

* * *

Back with the scapegoats of Team Rocket, they were once again hungry, cold, and annoyed. They'd just been sent blasting off again, even though the trap had LITERALLY been foolproof. They tested it out on FIVE other Pikachu beforehand, but this one...

Wincing, Jessie dialed the Boss' number, expecting to be ripped into again.

"_Mm, hang on one second—Domino, oi, get my shirt, I need to look professional. The one with Hello Kitty on it." _Jessie blinked. Huh?

A girl no older than that hag Misty phased out on the screen. Her hair was mussed, and her eyes were glazed over a bit. She snorted, pushed up a pair of glasses, and squealed, "_Ohmygod! It's you! Hi, I'm your new boss! Ooh, so, did you get Pikachu?" _Jessie quickly adjusted to apparent recognition, and said dutifully, "No." The girl frowned.

"_Oh well. I'm sending out my Pokemon to help you. Bring them all back here, m'kay? Oh, and for the record, you're, like, my hero. And your motto is still the one from Kanto, okay? None of this Sinnoh shit." _The girl began to ramble in a mocking, high-pitched tone.

"_Listen, is that a sound I hear? Yeah, I hear it, NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" _She screamed angrily.Jessie didn't really know what to say to that.

She listened politely as the girl ranted angrily, but then she finally said, "_Right. Those are my orders. And don't kill him, I want to make him into a pie." _The girl hung up, and Jessie was left standing there, looking dumbfounded.

"Jess?" James asked. "What's wrong?" Jessie continued to stare at the phone. Then she said quietly, "I think we have a fan club."

"Iz 'bout time, too." Meowth mumbled.

* * *

Ari was in a good mood for once in her life, childhood crush fulfilled, and to top it all off, _My Fair Lady _was on.

And when she's in a good mood, she's in a killing mood.

She then found her first victim. "So! You thought you could betray Team Rocket, huh?!" The potted plant gave no answer. Ari frowned. It'd be easier and funnier to interrogate him if the plant could talk, but...

"Shove him in the meat grinder." She did so, and giggled as the potted plant turned into a delicious pie filling.

"_FUCK! ARI! THAT WAS MY LAWYER, YOU STUPID BITCH!" _Erose roared. She groaned.

"Aw shit. Anyways, do you think he'll taste good with gravy?" In response, Erose unleashed a Frenzy Plant.

"I just got attacked by a tree. (1) Who in the _hell _comes up with these attacks, anyway?" Ari groaned. She checked her giant computer.

"Right. Jessie and James will be getting Pikachu soon, so I need to get my Clockwork-Orange-tastic Reeducation Center made. Let's go people, world domination doesn't dominate itself, you know!" She yelled.

Back with a very stupid trainer and his brainless Pikachu, things were going so well. They'd just helped another Generic Trainer and promised undying friendship, even though they would never meet again.

"Prepare for trouble!" Jessie said. "Make it double!"

"To protect the world from devastation!" "To unite all people within our nation—HOLY SHIT THAT BLISSEY HAS A GUN!"

James screamed in terror. The Pokemon present just stared at him impassively, utterly used to this. Kendra giggled. "_It's yours, Sweet Baby James!" _(BWAHAHAHA STUPIDEST EPISODE TITLE EVER. :The Author:) And with that, she tossed him the machine gun.

"_Quick poll; who thinks this is a terrible idea_?" Bloom asked. Every one of the fifteen Pokemon raised their hands—except for Kendra, since she was now cackling madly.

James stared at the gun in his hands, and slowly, he pointed it at Ash. "Why I didn't think of this years ago, I cannot fathom." And with that, James forced Ash into the balloon.

"...Well, dis is weyrd. I mean, me-_ow_." Meowth grumbled, sharpening his claws as he tied Ash up.

Since they no longer had to obey the laws of the writers of Pokemon, Jessie and James were passionately making out, since this had been going on for ten years.

I mean, ten years of forced chastity would drive _anyone _crazy.

* * *

"So. We're now making our enemies into pies." Butch said, staring disinterestedly at the leader of Team Rocket. Ari nodded. Stroking Mimi softly, and scratching the Skitty's ears, she said,

"'Bout sums it up. It hides the evidence. And poetic irony! We'll send pies to the victim's families and stuff! ...And, well, I'm good at cooking."

"_Yeah, her stuff is Fergalicious." _Erose interrupted. Ari pinched the bridge of her nose.

Thankfully, Team Rocket was back. And they were very, very, happy.

"Look, I'll forgo my humiliation, and ask if you got Pikachu." For the first time in their life, Team Rocket could honestly say that yes, they got Pikachu.

Ari cackled madly, and thunder and lightning flashed somewhere in the blackness of Plotlessness. "Sweet!" She looked at Ash. "Well? Any last words?" He stammered quickly, fumbling for his nonexistent Pokeballs, since he'd just ditched all his Pokemon AGAIN.

"I thought Team Rocket were pushovers!" He cried. Ari shrugged.

"That was before I got to be in charge. Now we have guns." She snapped her fingers.

"Shove the boy in the meat grinder, and take the Pikachu to my COTREC! (Clockwork Orange-tastic Re-edumakashun, /'cause our childrens do learn, Center. Acronyms rule!)" She cheered, and as she left, she waggled her fingers.

"Don't worry, I'll take good care of Muk and Charizard!" She cheered.

As the sounds of a live human being ground into meaty filling danced around her, she swore. "God, what do I do now?" She took out her notebook again, checking over past plot points.

"Let's see. I already tried the World Domination thing. Did not work. We did the Fat Camp thing; also, not really working. So..." An idea came to her.

"I'll give the grunts names!"

_Five minutes later..._

"Okay, you're Mykynzy, you're Irving, you're Jim, and you're Matthias de Sade the fifteenth, robber of women and raper of men." The four grunts she'd summoned to her quarters stared at her incredulously. She shrugged.

"Would you rather be something else?" They shook their heads, too terrified to speak. She nodded, and lit a cigarette. "Right, off with you then. We've got a lot of grunts to name." Matthias de Sade was the first to haul ass. Mykynzy, Irving, and Jim ran a minute after, still trying to process what the hell was up with this fat chick.

Ari shrugged, and snuffled. Blasted allergies getting to her again. "Well. That's done. Now... maybe I could..." She swore, and sucked in a breath.

"You know what? Well... I'm bored. Since I'm the leader of Team Rocket, now what..."

Just then, a grunt burst in. "Miss! There's a flyer for you here!" She shrugged, and read it.

"_CALLING ALL EVIL VILLAINS! DO YOU WANT TO RULE THE POKEMON WORLD!? THEN PARTICIPATE IN OUR TOURNAMENT OF SUPER EVILNESS! WINNER GETS CONTROL OF ALL THE TEAMS!" And in fine print, "Do it or we'll kill your friends and family!" _Ari punched the air.

"Hot damn! Saddle up, my bitches, we're going to..." She checked the flyer. "The Indigo League!" She went off to prepare. It didn't sound strange to her at all that an evil organization tournament would be held in a government building because she is a hippie and thinks the government _IS _an evil organization.

Back with the rest of Team Rocket...

* * *

"Jeez, it's nice that we've got some new blood running things, but our grunts keep falling in the meat grinder." Cassidy said, watching in amusement as said grunts got churned into chunky chunks. Houndour went over to sniff it, and backed away after an eyeball continued to blink at him.

And the Pokemon that had been pretty much ignored in this story, well, what were they doing?

"_I POKE BODIES WITH STICKS!" _Mimi screamed, chasing her tail in a frenzy, while indeed poking Giovanni with a stick. But he wasn't dead, just in a state of shock. I mean, some weird kid with funny looking glasses just came in, shot herself in the face and lived, took over his entire organization, caught the Pikachu he'd deemed un-catchable, and now her Skitty was poking him with a stick.

He sat in the closet, and quietly waited for the world to end.

Though trust me, when it did, it would be Kiddo's idea of the world ending. Not pretty.

"Evil Team Tournament... okay! Guys! It's time for more POINTLESS FILLER!" She screamed, assembling the Pokemon.

Silence.

Kilgore flipped a page in his book; this one was _Breakfast of Champions. _Bulba the Ivysaur stared up at her. She swore.

"Either get moving or I shove you all in the meat grinder."

Everyone immediately got into the giant bus Ari had brought in for these purposes.

* * *

/Somewhere very far away, say, LaRousse City.../

Drew opened his door to go out for another wonderful day of bitching and moaning at May and abusing beautiful, wonderful, _tre_s sexy Absol, when he noticed a box sitting on his steps.

Flicking his oh-so-wonderful Hair Curl, he knelt down to examine it. He opened it, and inside was a pie that would've been amazingly tasty looking, but for the fact that a bloodstained hat belonging to Ash Ketchum was perched on top. He picked up the note, and read,

"_U R NEXT FOOL. BEWARE MY PIE MAKER." _He raised an eyebrow, and read the fine print. "_P.S. Stay away from May. She has Brendan. Stalker." _

He shook his head, and went inside. Screw this, he was late for a date with May's broken self-esteem—I mean, Contest.

So it begins. The Evil Tournament.

"MOVE YER BLOOMIN' ARSE, HIROMI! YOU DON'T NEED FIVE WEEKS WORTH OF LUGGAGE!"

...If we got there on time.

* * *

(1): SERIOUSLY. The Frenzy Plant attack description says your Pokemon attacks with a TREE. Wha... I mean, dude... where does the tree come from!? If it was only Torterra, I might get it, but... WTF...

...Though, there's that whole, "I can use DIVE and hide UNDERWATER even though there is no freaking WATER and we are in the goddamn SAHARA FUCKING DESERT. Seriously. Some little moron is going to jump down from a twenty-story high building because the fucker thought 'He could use Dive!"

...Not that I'd care, I hate kids, but I'd appreciate it if Nintendo wasn't sued and had to stop making Pokemon games.)


End file.
